New Year's Eve and it's 4pm and I am unsure how I feel today - lost, lonely, hurt, sad, heartbroken - you name it I've got all the negative emotions. I'll log on later when I have something more to report. I'm so lucky to have such a loving and caring family - I know they really miss their Dad too and all the grandchildren miss their Grandad. I saw Martin this morning and Helen earlier this evening and I went to Graham's at 9.15pm for an hour and then to Wendy and John's at 10.45pm for an hour - I had a couple of drinks but everyone was a couple and it was just ME! I felt a huge wave of emotion come over me of longing for you so I left at 11.50pm to come home as I wanted to be near you and cuddle you my darling John! I am the first one in our family and circle of friends to be a widow and I'm so lost! EVERYONE has texted or phoned me today so I know I'm not alone. I think this evening has been the most difficult of all the "special" days we shared, my birthday, Christmas, Boxing Day and your birthday - my darling, darling John, how am I supposed to carry on without you? I've got to start 2009 without you and re-live all the dates of the start of your illness which you fought so bravely.